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Peach Creek Headline News
JBC Sues Peach Creek Tattler
Articles such as "Fork Boy Created in Science Lab" and "Nazz Kicked Off from Cheerleader Squad for Hairy Legs"
were just a few of the articles that were found in last weeks Peach Creek Tattler. Upon receiving one of the papers JBC correspondents
were alarmed to see an article about the Jawbreaker Chronicle included in the newspaper. "At first we were quite flattered
at seeing our name in another newspaper, then after reading the article it soon became clear that it wasn't the truth at all,"
said John who had stumbled across the article while looking for bathroom reading material.According to the article it claimed
that the JBC had mounted laser cannons to it's satelites to fire at Peach Creek and any other targets that it saw fit to attack.
The article itself was brought to my attention in which I contacted Peach Creek Junior High to see if I could find out who
wrote such a slanderous article. Bobby Blabby aka Eddy, answered the phone and immediately became hostile. "It was Ed's
idea! Besides you can't prove it was me!" In the background I heard Ed make a comment. "Here's today's profits Bibby
Booble!" Upon hearing Ed Eddy shouted back that it was pronounced "Bobby Blabby" and quickly hung up after
realizing he had exposed himself. Seeing as there were no other options I decided to file a lawsuit against the Peach Creek
Tattler. However, my results were less than satisfactory when the NJP or National Jawbreaker Party who currently owns the
JBC rejected the lawsuit by replying by letter saying, "As we're sure that this article isn't true the JBC has been found
to have certain business activities going on that in most states would be found illegal. The board therefore will not seek
a lawsuit due to the chances of it further tarnishing the corporation's image.Signed I. B. President" While the lawsuit
didn't go through Eddy was permanently removed from his position as editor and eventually was carried away by the enraged
kids of the culde-sac who also found the articles about them to be in bad taste. While I'm satisfied with the decision I still
wish the lawsuit would have went through because I really wanted that hot tub in my office.
~Justin
JBC Staff Editor
News From the Culde-sac
Peach Creek Junior High Flooded by Prank
That's right, Peach Creek Junior High, the local junior high school, is closed for repairs! It all started last Monday when
Ed and Eddy were doing the usual, doing something they shouldn't. Ed was plugging the drains up with paper in the bathrooms
like Eddy told him to, and then Eddy had them turned on. The result caused the school to flood. "It was so unsanitary!
There was water everywhere! I mean, they've never done this before! Never before have I seen such a disreguard to the public
school system" yelled Double D as he tried to get away from the rising water.He is now currently trying to explain what
happened to the principal who was very angry. Of course, I was known to be investigating the crime (I blame Edd), but I managed
to get away from the principal before he asked anything. Eddy stated, "It was so funny! I mean, we flooded the bathroom,
and then Double D opened the door, and swoosh! Water everywhere! HA HA!"
According to the school, they will have to close for a month as the mold has covered most of the school. The mold is currently
being removed by Ed, Edd, n Eddy as Edd volunteered, and the other two Eds as punishment. I still think Ed is going to take
some mold home, but if he doesn't I'll have to sneak some out for myself. Someone has to give it a nice home.
The damage will cost around one thousand dollars for the repairs, and the school is being threatened by many lawsuits
from angry parents. "It was horrible! I thought it was the end of the world as we know it." Jimmy quotes. With the
other students enjoying the month off the three Eds will be stuck here until the entire school is mold and water free. Now
its back to watching the Eds clean the school.
~Colton
JBC Staff Writer
Suspects Found in Kevin's Skateboard Fiasco
As you may know about a month ago, Kevin was in the Peach Creek Hospital where he has nursed back to health, after a tragic
skateboard accident happened. As of right now, he is well and he checked out of the Peach Creek Hospital and is back to school
with his friends. While in the hospital, he slipped into a coma, but fortunately, he woke up much to Eddy's dismay. After
he woke up, the investigation for finding evidence of the crash started. For a month now, the investigation has still continued,
and still is still being conducted. Double D, the person in charge of evidence and analysis, was inspecting the skateboard
for fingerprints and evidence around the skateboard to finding the suspects. When he found fingerprints, there were several
of them. As I caught up with Double-D he had this to say.
"Well, there are several of these fingerprints. There are five different sets of fingerprints, besides Kevin's. I've
went through files to match up these prints and I've found five suspects. Those people are Rolf, Jimmy, Sarah, Jonny, and
Marie."
After meeting up with Double-D I went to interview some of the suspects. I first went up to Rolf to ask him what were
his opinions on the situation.
"Poppycock! I did not do no such thing! Get away from me! I must rush over to Papa to help him shave his back."
Though disgusted, I ran off to Jonny, another suspect to the crime.
"I didn't do anything! Ya gotta believe me! I promise! I wouldn't do anything to hurt Kevin! Plank even believes
me too! Huh, Plank?"
More news on this when we get an update. Double-D has confirmed this may take another three weeks or so, to interview
the suspects and find anymore leads. We at the JBC will try to keep you updated on this and other news that may be important
to you. That's the news and that's all for me.
~Gerald
JBC Staff Writer
Behind The Ed
The Kanker Sisters
This week I return to my office with an assignment. Since Dr. Eric is as of right now in solitary confinement for trying to
escape through a tunnel. As we all know I'm not the sharpest bulb in the tool drawer. But when I was assigned to do an article
on the Kankers, I thought to myself, "That's insane!" But then I was threatened with the dogs and hoses so naturally
I volunteered. My investigation began with the newly released and controversial Double D files which gives information out
about all the kids of the Culde-sac. I found out that the Kankers usually travel in one pack, and are almost always in the
trailer park. I started knocking on their strange two story trailer. After finding out that no one would answer I then snuck
into the trailer by using the septic system. However, later to my dismay I found the front door, backdoor, and pretty much
every other entrance port had been unlocked the entire time. I found out that the Kankers have three different fathers but
only one mother which could explain the three different hair colors. I made my way upstairs and to my dismay, May was home
sick. I tried to get out but school has no wrath like a Kanker's scorn. I was trapped and while I was lucky enough not to
have too much make up on me I did find out a little bit more about the trio.
"So May, as much as I hear you and your sisters fighting with each other, why do you stick together?"
"I never really thought about it. I guess we just fight over anything. Besides we're sisters and we'll always be
together." She said as she put another coat of eyeliner on my left eye. While trying to figure out my fate I decided
to ask a few more questions before the other two Kankers arrived and ripped me apart.
"Why is it May, that you and your sisters have wreaked such havoc on the culde-sac and the kids who reside there?"
I asked as I tried to push the lipstick away from my lips.
"I don't know. It's probably a deep rooted problem stemming from the fact that we're never included in any of their
activities so we feel ostracized all the time." She replied taking out more eyeliner.
As I stood there shocked by her words, I figured it was just the fever talking. I heard the other two Kankers enter the
house downstairs and figured that this was as good a time to leave as any. As I headed down the stairs unfortunately the Kankers
captured me. As they tied me to a chair I figured my fate was sealed until I noticed Ed cluelessly walking up to the door.
Upon seeing him they all three rushed out as he took off screaming. I took this time to escape and screamed like a little
girl as I ran out of the trailer still tied to the chair. The guys at the office will never let me live this down.
~John
JBC Assistant Editor
Business Ed
Rolf Co. Attempts to Buy Out JBC
The new and upcoming company known as Rolf Co. has attempted to buy out the Jawbreaker Chronicle. That's right the JBC was
almost involved in a hostile takeover. The problem started way back when Dr. Eric still wrote for the JBC. Somehow he had
control over half of the company's stock. "He kept asking for toilet paper and the stocks were so worthless at the time
I didn't see any harm in it," said JBC Assistant Editor John. Dr. Eric, furious at not having access to legal council
attempted to sell the company to Rolf Co. earlier this week. The deal failed however after it was realized that the JBC's
stock is only worth about five cents a share do to the overwhelming scandals and lawsuits that the JBC faces each year. Rolf
turned down the offer to buy the company and all the shares were confiscated from Dr. Eric who insisted he had done nothing
wrong and felt he was doing a great thing for the company.
"Everyone stood to make a good profit out of this business venture so I went ahead with it," stated Dr. Eric
earlier this week. After he found out the shares were only worth five cents he commented a few words that can't be published
in this paper.
~Justin
JBC Staff Editor/Business Writer
Advertise Ed
Double D's Extra Strength Chewing Gum
Looking for that new candy sensation that doubles on sugar and fun!? Then look no further because Double D's Extra Stength
Chewing Gum is the candy for you! Enjoy the highly elastic chewing gum invented by Peach Creek's own Double D. Impress your
friends by blowing a bubble and then using it as a hot air balloon! So hurry down to Ed Mart to pick up this fine product
brought to you by EDCO!
*Warning EDCO not responsible for broken jaws, arms, legs, or any other injuries suffered while chewing Double D's Extra
Strength Chewing Gum.
~Ad Placed by Lynn
JBC Advertisement Manager
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