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According to local rumor, a strange greenish sphere fell out of the sky in Peach Creek. It was reported by local resident
Jonny 2x4; who also first saw it. "It was huge! And green, and it fell out of the sky!" He quotes. I decided to
check it out. I followed the path to the supposed crash site. Well, lets say it wasn't the prettiest thing I ever laid eyes
on to avoid details that could cause some mild sleep loss. Well, anyways, the creature crawled out of the crash pads, tentacles
on it waving towards me. At first I thought to run, but for the sake of the article and my no-pay job I decided to risk my
life for the first time ever. Well close to ever, but still. The creature crept closer, tentacles waving, feet going "Squish,
squash, squish, squash," as it approached. It's tentacle approached my head, and I ducked. It was a brain-sucking alien!
My word, this would be it I thought, my job, and my life, more importantly my life, all it would end here. Luckily, Nazz happened
to be passing by at the same time, and in seeing it, she screamed. The creature turned around, and approached her. She screamed
again before Kevin saved her.
After that the creature crawled off towards the cul-de-sac, forgetting about me. Well, I guess it leaving would be good,
but I followed it still. The creature slid into the cul-de-sac, alarming the local residence. Local Ed, Edd, and Eddy then
were reported missing for a time. Well, I simply watched what the creature was doing, and it looked like it was looking for
food. A few long, boring hours later that I spent playing tic-tac-toe by myself passed, and the locals returned, this time
carrying a strange device. Edd probably built them. Well, I just watched, well yeah, why wouldn't I? Anyways, as I watched,
the Eds were fighting the creature, Ed used his what ever it was Edd built to lure the alien into a trap. After it was in
the trap, Edd and Eddy turned theirs on, and it slowly and forcefully hurt the alien somehow. Well, the alien fled, it got
on the space ship, and it started to float. Suddenly, a strange cloud appeared, blowing the wind, making a crack in the ground,
slowly the sky started to darken, as soon as it darkened, it became cold, and the wind speed increased. Well, Jimmy fell into
the hole and woke up in his house awhile later, and for the others, lets just say I didn't have the time or amount of courage
to see what happened to them (I almost got my brain eaten for crying out loud! I didn't want to die!). Well, on the way to
the JBC building, another UFO hovered over me. A light appeared around me, and then;what's this article about again? Oh well,
see you all whenever boss gets the next issue up. Or if he doesn't forget that I haven't gave him my article yet;or if the
aliens attack again and at that point I'll be moving to Lemon Brooke. They don't have alien attacks you know. Well, thats
it for me for today folks. And remember, if it has tentacles run.
~Colton
JBC Staff Writer
News From The Culde-sac
Double D's Secret Files Discovered
We've all seen the enormous file cabinet that Double D owns and uses frequently, but what is really in there? The JBC went
undercover to find out but due to budget constraints we weren't able to find a good disguise and John was carried off by squirrels.
Don't ask because I have no idea how it happened. Luckily thanks to Eddy's big mouth the JBC and the rest of the culde-sac
found out. Now we can't say who bribed Eddy to tell everyone but trust me everyone in a five block radius heard. Inside the
file cabinet were top secret files of every culde-sac resident as well as files on the JBC staff. While everyone was distracted
with the shocking news I took the liberty to personally grab my file and safely tuck it away. I know its wrong but I don't
need the feds after me people. The files contained personal information including embarrassing habits and routines such as
Kevin's weird affection to a baby blanket. Double D had this to say when confronted by JBC reporters.
"Honestly, I saw no harm in keeping files on everyone because they could surely be used in times of trouble such
as the UFO that crashed earlier this week." No one really bought the story and soon Double D found himself stuffed inside
the file cabinet along with Eddy who blurted out the message.
"The dorks are in serious trouble I can't wait until they get out of that cabinet." Said Kevin after reading
his file.
"The ducks? What about the Ed boys? They shamed us and will do time in Rolf's fists!" Shouted Rolf after being
showed a picture of his Nana's hairy elbows. Trust me they were more than disgusting.
After the turmoil had come to an end no one could locate the missing files. So as I snuck away with the files I couldn't
help but think how many great issues would be written with this information.
~Justin
JBC Staff Editor
Jimmy Has Braces Removed
As I stepped out of the JBC headquarters looking for my first story, I suddenly realised I left the office without pants again.
After a few minutes and one pants-changing later, I stepped out of the headquarters again. As I walked down the the middle
of the road I thought I heard Sarah scream, but then again I thought I heard the same thing when the ice machine at the JBC
headquarters got backed up. There it was again. Nope, not the ice machine. It really was Sarah this time. It was coming from
Jimmy's house, so I knocked on the door. I heard people talking inside, but no one answered the door, so I opened it up myself.
I heard Sara laughing and then I heard Jimmy's voice......."It was such a cute squirrel too." Now how many times
have I heard Jimmy say that? How many times could a story possibly end with "It was such a cute squirrel too"?!
But I digress, whatever that means. I suppose Jimmy heard me come in because he walked to the door and said "Hi Chris!"
Something was different about him.......what was it......? "I got my braces off Chris!" said Jimmy. No, that's not
it, I thought. I know, Jimmy doesn't have braces anymore! "You finally got your braces off Jimmy?" I asked. "Yep.
Pretty handsome, eh?" I was so consumned in looking at Jimmy's blindingly bright smile that I'm not sure if Sara or Jimmy
said that. They both have very girlie voices. "Jimmy!" someone yelled. It was Ed. He bursted through the front door
and up to Jimmy. "Your metal thingamajiger! It's gone!" "Braces." Said Double D who walked in after Ed.
"They're called braces." "Yeah, yeah, whatever" said Eddy who walked in finally. "I can finally eat
whatever I want!" said Jimmy as he ran over to his fridge. Man, Jimmy's house is really pink, I thought at that moment.
Jimmy pulled out a jawbreaker he kept in the freezer for some reason. Ed saw him take the jawbreaker and ran towards him yelling
jibberish, as Ed often does. As Jimmy turned around, trying to fit the jawbreaker in his mouth, Ed collided with him and smash!
Jimmy hit the fridge face first. Jimmy was rushed to the hospital and the next day arrived back at his house with even bigger
braces. Poor guy, I thought but then I thought I heard Sara again. No wait, it was the ice machine this time.
~Chris
JBC Staff Writer
Sports Ed
Culde-sac Participates in First Ever Ice Cream Eating Contest
An Ice Cream Eating Contest in the Cul-de-Sac occurred late of this week where six of the kids were the contestants in the
event. Those people included Ed, Double-D, Eddy, Rolf, Jonny, and Sarah. The contest consisted of twenty-five bowls of ice
cream for each contestant. Each of the twenty-five bowls had seven scoops of ice cream which gave me an ice cream headache
just thinking about it. Whoever finished first would be referred to as "The Master of Eating and Not Puking On Anybody."
The official title was still being worked out at the time of the event. Once the starting bell rang, they started devouring
the ice cream. Double-D and Jonny were the first ones to give up after finishing one fifth of the ice cream. Eddy was then
the third one out, after running to get a bucket and throwing up. Ed, Rolf, and Sarah were the only ones to continue. Sarah,
the gal with the humongous mouth, actually lost this one after about the fourth bowl. Ed and Rolf continued. At twelve bowls
finished, Rolf lost. You better believe it. The "Fighting Foreigner" actually lost. Ed continued to finish the contest
and however....... HE WON! Ed was named "The Master of Eating and Not Puking On Anybody." (The title is still being
worked out.) After the contest, I interviewed some of the contestants on how they felt about eating the many bowls of ice
cream. I first interviewed the winner.
"Ha ha ha ha! I feel funny." Ed said. I walked away fast just in case he needed to throw up.
I then talked to Rolf. "Ugh! Rolf bowels sting with coldness. Nana! Boil water for Rolf!" He then threw up on
my shoes and I was really, really, really disgusted on how the "already-eaten" ice cream looked on my shoes.
I wanted to talk to Double-D, but he had to go home, so I talked to Eddy. "Oh! My aching head! I need to go to sleep
Mom." Eddy then gave me a kiss and went to sleep on the concrete.
I'm disgusted, but I got through it. Why do I always get the disgusting assignments!? That's the news and.....................
ew!...................and that's all for me!
~Gerald
JBC Staff Writer
Behind The Ed
Kevin's Magazines Revealed
John here, this week I will be going Behind the Ed to bring you another look inside the personal lives of the kids of the
cul-de-sac. I decided to have a look through the Double D files again. I was shocked to discover the information I found on
Kevin.
Apparently he has a sizeable amount of "magazines" under his bed. The files don't say what kind of magazines.
So I could only speculate. Could these be the magazines those which belonged to Eddy? Could Ed have hidden them under Kevin's
bed? Perhaps these are entirely different magazines. I went to Eddy to find out.
I questioned Eddy, "Eddy, do you mind if I ask you a few questions about the magazines under kevin's bed?" Upon
hearing my question, Eddy issued this response "Kevo's got magazines under is bed? WHY I KNEW THAT LITTLE SCAM WRECKER
TOOK MY MAGAZINES!"
I explained the situation to Eddy, and he accompanied me to Edd's house for some more prying into Kevin's personal business.
While Eddy kept double d at bay (threatening to reveal what's under his hat) I took all the copies of the files on Kevin,
and made my way out.With these copies I was able to determine that, these magazines were of a suggestive and questionable
nature, and that not even Double D knows the exact nature of these alledged magazines. With the assistance of Ed and Eddy,
we decided to find out once and for all what was lurking beneath Kevin's mattress. We made our way in through the tunnel under
his house. using Ed as a battering ram we broke into his room. Unfortunately Kevin was in his room at the time. I guess he
didn't see me in the confusion of him beating Ed and Eddy to the front door shouting a chilling war cry of "DOOOOOORKS!"
I checked under his bed, and made a shocking discovery. It was a sticky note, addressed to me.It read, "John, I hope
you understand my decision for informing kevin of your plans. It is my duty as an upright citizen to protect the personal
information of whoever I can. No hard feelings now! Sincerely, Edd." Or something like that. Honestly due to the beating
I got when Kevin found me in his room I can't remember much except that I miss eating solids. Under threat of a lawsuit I
was able to aquire the answer from Edd, with the promise I wouldn't publish it. However the contract was void thanks to a
spelling error in my signature. The magazines under Kevin's bed were infact, men's ballet equipment catalogues.
Eddy couldn't be reached for comment on whether or not these were his magazines. So now I've taken you behind the Ed.
Go read someone else's article. Or reread mine, I love fans. Oh, I see, no no go ahead and scroll down I don't care.
~John
JBC Assistant Editor
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