Weekly Edlines

Elmondo Stink Bomb Causes Culde-sac Panic

  Chaos ensued early Monday afternoon as a powerful odor swept through the Culde-sac. The odor was powerful enough to bring the citizens of Peach Creek Estates to their knees. Citizens point the blame at Eddy, who is notorious for his El Mundo Stink Bombs. It is widely known that Eddy set one off in the past that caused widespread panic. Eddy claims, "Yeah, I'll admit it, I did it! I'm tired of no one respecting me! Maybe now I'll get more respect from all those pigeons."

   In this case it had the opposite effect for Eddy and the other two Eds. After the smell had finally moved on the kids of the Culde-sac found the Eds hiding out in Edd's garage. Edd claims that he was pushed into the idea of the stink bomb, but Kevin didn't seem to care and Edd later found himself going through the garage door. This is the second stink bomb that has been detonated over the last three years. The first stink bomb went horrible wrong when it exploded before it could get out of Edd's garage. This time however, The Ed's were able to get the stink bomb out of the garage and securely close the garage door. "These dorks are seriously starting to get on my nerves. The stupid stink bomb peeled the new paint job right off my bike," Kevin stated as he showed the damage to his bike. The JBC really didn't care about Kevin's loss since he is always talking about his bike.

   Among the damage done to the Culde-sac is a few dead plants, a few homes with paint starting to peel, and a lot of burning nostrils. The kids of the Culde-sac claim that they're over the issue since the Eds were punished later on in the day. The Eds suffered a few black eyes,bruised arms and legs. When asked for a comment Double D politely declined since his jaw is currently unable of movement. The stench is finally gone and life is slowly returning back to normal in Peach Creek. The chances of another stink bomb going off is slight to none but I for one am glad that the JBC is located outside the Culde-sac.

~Justin

JBC Staff Editor

News From The Culde-sac

Kevin's Major Air Causes Major Pain

Just weeks ago, Kevin broke his legs and went into a coma after making his 360 stunt. Though, it's still a mystery on how you can go into a coma by breaking your legs, but that's another story. It has been said that Kevin has awakened from the coma. The JBC is in the progress of investigating on how this accident happened. Was it planned by someone who despises Kevin or was there was problem with ramp and the skateboard? Could it have been me? Of course it wasn't me, but lets get on with the story.

Now it has been said that friends of Kevin has seen him on his skateboard around the neighborhood for a short while but nobody saw him making his mistake. After Kevin had awaken from the coma, the investigation was beginning. Friends of Kevin participated in the investigation. I wanted to ask the neighborhood kids who they think planned did this.I asked Double-D, the person in charge of the analysis of this investigation, who he thinks did this. He had this to say.

"I am not suspecting anyone in the Culde-sac,but If I would have to name someone in the Culde-sac it would be Eddy. I mean, he dislikes Kevin more than anyone else I know,but that's all I have to say."

After I asked Double-D, I asked a few other people such as Ed.

"Sheepskins and candy bars make me all fuzzy inside!" Claimed Ed as I slowly stepped away.

That was pretty much useless, but I arrived at Peach Creek Hospital and asked Kevin, himself, who he thinks did this.

"Well, I think it was Rolf or Dorky. If Eddy did this, I'm gonna pound him! Maybe Rolf did this. I mean, I sometimes I don't follow what the dude says."

This issue will probably take weeks or months until the suspect or evidence is found. Analysis on this situation is however still in progress and confidential. That's the news and that's all for me.

~Gerald
(JBC Staff Writer)

UFO Crash Lands In Culde-sac?

Yesterday, on a nice sunny day the Eds were seen fiddling with a strange, large device that crash landed in Peach Creek. Although Double D reports it was "A Jawbreaker Chronicle Surveillance Satellite," I, along with Jonny and Ed, disagree saying it is an UFO. I decided there is only one way to find out, get into Double D's house and find the supposed UFO, or at least find the landing marks. I'd solve this problem the way I solve every problem...I would flip a coin. After some tracking, I found Ed, and asked, "Ed, where did the UFO that Double d says is a Jawbreaker Chronicle Surveillance Satellite land?"

"It landed, um, I'll go find it!" Ed said, running off. I just waited for a while, under a tree, reading about The Peach Creek UFO Incident. Very interesting book, but this isn't about that.

After like, forever, Ed finally ran back, carrying a piece of dirt. "Found it!" Ed yelled.

"Not the dirt from the landing, where was the landing? I need to go there Ed," I said.

"Oh. Follow me then!" Ed simple said, carrying the dirt back.

He showed me a strange looking alley that it landed in, the proportions would have shown it had to have crashed. The proportions of the landing marks and the presence of landing gear clearly rules out the satelite theory.

"Can I have that cookie now?" He asked. I gave him a cookie that was in my pocket and watched him shove both his hands and cookie into his mouth.

Why would Double d be covering up a UFO landing? Is he working for the government? Why would a UFO land here? What happened to the satellite any ways? I knew who I had to ask, Jonny, and Double D. Jonny would be easier, he would know, or at least Plank would. Plank again. Why him?

I started looking for Jonny, and found him in the playground, at least it wasn't the sewers.

"Jonny, I heard that you said a UFO landed in Peach Creek. Why do you think a UFO landed in the Culde-sac?" I asked.

"It wasn't Plank!" He said. He obviously remembered last time.

"I didn't know Plank was an alien," I said.

"He's not," Jonny said.

"Why do you say a UFO landed where Double D says it was a Jawbreaker Chronicle Surveillance Satellite?" I asked again.

"I saw it, it flew, and fell," Jonny said.

"So do satellites," I said.

"They do?" Jonny asked.

"Yes," I said, a little strange it was that he didn't know that.

"Plank says, "He saw it float," Jonny said.

"Float? In one spot?" I asked.

"That's what Plank said," He replied.

"Thanks anyways," I said, walking off. It floated, he couldn't cover that up, I had him, and I just had to find the UFO. Or did I have him? Could he cover that up? I didn't know. I'd have to ask him.

I knew he would be at his house, as Eddy was out of the house and Ed was somewhere else. I walked to his house and rang the doorbell. He opened the door. "I hear you have many strange objects in your basement," I said.

"I have inventions I made, nothing else though," He said.

"Can you show me the Jawbreaker Chronicle Surveillance Satellite that crashed?" I asked.

"Why certainly, just don't touch any of my failed inventions please," He said walking to his basement. I followed.

"Nice place," I said following him.

"Thank you. This is the satellite I told them about," He said, taking off a tarp. Under it, there was a strange circular object. It was very strange, with landing pads, a window, and what appeared to be an engine. Most of the parts were held together by bubblegum and bandaids.

"Why would a satellite have a window?" I asked.

"I don't know what your talking about," Double D said. He sounded less calm.

"You don't mind if I get in it, do you?" I asked.

"No, why would I mind?" Double D said.

I got under the satellite and pushed a button, it started to float. "My word! It's floating!" I yelled.

"Yes, I suppose, it's not that it's a satellite, more of a strange transport vessel I've never seen before," Double D said.

"So it's a UFO?" I asked.

"Well, yes, not necessarily alien, I'm keeping it secret so it doesn't hurt anyone," He said.

"Thank you," I said, getting out from under it. I walked towards him and shook his hand. "See you later I guess," I walked out of the room, and back to where ever I came from to go to Peach Creek. I had these on my paper: It's a UFO, not necessarily alien, but it is an UFO, and this is the only time I told anyone about that. The question that remains is, alien, or not, that's up for us to decide.

~Colton
JBC Staff Writer

*Note from the Editor: Thats right citizens of Peach Creek it is only a UFO and not A "JBC Satelite."

Dr. Eric's Weekly Word

For your viewing pleasure here is the second installment of Dr. Eric's Weekly Word. (All that is said is not necessarily true)

John : Hey Dr. Eric

John : ready for that interview?

Eric : might as well

Eric : Justin's been pretty annoyed with you

John : yea I know

John : alright well on with it

Eric : so you have any questions ready

Eric : or should I just ramble on about whatever I think is important

John : well

John : Dr. Eric, recently there has been a lot of scandal over the fact that

the JBC satelites have been crashing and causing a lot of damage.

Eric : You mean the ones I set up?

John : People want to know about your involvement.

John : Yes

Eric : I mean the ones that I didn't set up

Eric : well that's an interesting question

John : Indeed it is.

Eric : Frankly I blame Justin

Eric : I told him we should have used linux for the nav system

Eric : given it's reliability

Eric : but he insisted on using pirated versions of a certain OS

Eric : that he got off the Eds for $.50 each

Eric : The software that he obtained from the Eds suffered a massive glitch

Eric : which caused it to continually add .1 degree to the satellites'tragectories

John : ah

Eric : which caused their orbits to deteriorate

Eric : and eventually they crashed

Eric: so frankly

Eric : I blame the Eds

Eric : and Justin

John : I see

Eric: the way I see it there's a lesson in this

Eric : it goes a little something like this:

Eric : Linux is better than a certain OS

Eric : in fact I put it on the prison computer

John : Can you explain why the software department (you) let this glitch slip?

John : Oh that's nice

Eric : this wasn't my problem


Eric : I was the manager

Eric : the glitch was not brought to my attention by my superiors

Eric : and besides the changes were so minute intitially that no one could have caught it.

John : So you're saying that the fault of this goes as high up as JBC Exclusive editor Justin?

John : .1 continually is kinda high.

John : after all it is 10% of 1

John : and as we all know 10% more is noticably more

Eric : 10% of 1 isn't significant when you consider the sheer magnitude of the calculations the satellites crunch every second

Eric : we're talking quintillions

John : Well I may have math dislexia, but when I think I know something I can misinform others with that something.

John : and quintillions is like...

John : an insane amount of zeros

Eric : yes it is

Eric : .1 is insignificant with numbers like that

Eric : it's rounded out when you account for significant figures anyway

John : I have no idea what you're talking about

John : and neither do the readers

Eric : I do

Eric : I think

John : and when they can't understand something, they bomb our building.

John : Back when I wrote sports I did a story on Cricket.... it was an 8 alarm fire.

Eric : well that's your problem

Eric : I'm safe here

Eric : see those guards?

Eric : see the shotguns?

John : yes I do

Eric : I'll let you in on a secret

Eric : I managed to sneak a blow gun in

John : that's nice

Eric : and some darts tipped with a powerful tranquilizer

John : I'm not going to inquire how you snuck it in or why you'd put your mouth on it.

John : but continue

Eric : justin's going to kill me

Eric : for making him do work

John : ah don't worry

John : I'm assistant editor so I'll get stuck with it

Eric : oh good

Eric : more work for you then

John : well I'm out of questions

Eric : I have a question

Eric : how long until you guys get a lawyer down here?

Eric : doesn't the JBC have legal council?

John : Yes, but they're currently filing suit against you.

Eric : what? Oh come on.

Eric : I didn't destroy that much stuff.

John : it's not on behalf of the JBC it's on behalf of the legal council

Eric : interesting

John : They're sueing for mental anguish from all the cases you left with them.

Eric : well there is that....

John : to answer your question the legal council will be here when the Asylum releases them

Eric : nice

Eric : well it's been nice talking with you but now I need to continue tunneling my way out

John : alright

John : Off to three hours of editing!

Eric: have fun

~Interview done by John

JBC Assistant Editor

Business Ed

RolfCo?

 It looks like EDCO will be getting some competition soon. A new upcoming company called RolfCo has just been announced. The company was founded by Peach Creek's one and only Rolf. It is not clear yet at how RolfCo will pose a threat to EDCO but it has EDCO executives up in arms. An interview with EDCO's founder, Eddy, reveals many things to come from EDCO in the near future.

Justin: So Eddy how do you respond to the creation of RolfCo?

Eddy: Didn't you guys go out of business or something. I could have sworn the JBC closed.

Justin: No we didn't go out of business. We took a hiatus for awhile.

Eddy: A what?

Justin: Forget it. Anyway how do you respond to RolfCo?

Eddy: If stretch thinks he can out fleece me he has another thing coming. I can out scam anyone!

Justin: So you admit that EDCO is founded on lies?

Eddy: What?

 Despite Eddy's clear stupidity we can definitely expect this two corporations to be butting heads right out of the gate. However, it will be difficult for RolfCo to compete since EDCO has released a number of products that have done fairly well. The EDCam that was released last year was a great success and is still selling thousands. However, EDCO has been involved with a few scandals over the last two years which caused a major decrease in their overall profits. So will EDCO maintain its dominance or will RolfCo emerge the new victor? When you get right down to it does either company even have a clue on what they're doing? We don't think so.

~Justin

JBC Staff Editor

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