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Peach Creek Headline News
Ed's Lifestyle Becomes Too Much
We all know about Ed's rather questionable and smelly lifestyle. But what happens when the lifestyle becomes a burden to everyone
around him? Sheldon, Ed's lucky cheese chunk was the first example of the lifestyle becoming too overbearing. Even Eddy admitted
that the smell just became too much to handle.
"Its bad enough that I have to smell the guy's stinky pits all day but come on I have to smell a moldy piece of cheese
too?!"
The cheese chunk was eventually dissolved into the pond forever destroying it's pungent smell despite from causing the
premature demise of many fish. The problem however has started to grow out of control as Ed has been seen carrying a variety
of putrid pieces of filth around on his person. From moldy cheese to rancid meat the foul stench everyday has started to concern
many Culde-sac citizens.
"Its getting to be an everyday thing. His lifestyle has always been disgusting but this just takes odor to a whole
new level. This is a living nightmare day after day," claims Double D.
Despite that these new pungent icons that Ed dubs "lucky charms" are done away with Ed always seems to find
something even more unsanitary the next day.
"This is a battle that I fear we will never win," Says Double D as his head hangs a little low.
We tried to reach Ed for comment but the smell coming from him was just too overwhelming even with state of the art gas
masks. Not even John with his thick stomach could handle the intense putrid aroma coming off of Ed.With the ever increasing
stupidity and resourcefulness of Ed it is clear that this problem will not be taken care of easily. Until swift action is
taken against these nostril burning creations you can expect the citizens of Peach Creek to be styling some new clothes pins.
~Justin
JBC Staff Editor
News From The Culde-Sac
Double D Receives First F?
On Friday, there were rumors about Double-D's grade on his math test. People are saying that Double-D, the smarts of all smarts,
received an 'F'. Once the JBC caught wind of the rumors, we immediately began to investigate the claim. I first asked Eddy
what he thought was the cause of this terrible grade.
"The guy failed the test?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ah. Maybe the guy's cracked or somethin'.
Eddy's response occured to me that he simply didn't care about his friend's terrible grade. It could have also been the
fact that Eddy sees these kind of grades all the time ever since the first grade. I noticed Jonny walking down the lane and
decided since there was no one else around to ask him about situation.
"Maybe he has gas. It's natural. Plank has it all the time and whoa brother is it something!"
After realizing that Jonny uses the same statement for everything I decided to never speak to him again. But I decided
to go to the person who started this rumor, which was Marie. After putting on my helmet and protective pads I made my way
over to the trailer park in hopes of finding Marie.
"Oh yeah! I saw Double-D's test. He sure got an 'F'. He didn't show me I just took a peek. Hey! Aren't you going
to pay me twenty bucks for this interview?" She stated as she drew me into a corner.
After escaping and screaming like a little girl I needed to hear from the man himself what had happened. I later found
Double-D to ask him what was his reason for the 'F. He had this to say.
"I studied the day bofore the test but I overslept, due to my overdose of studying. I surely regret this 'F' and
this rumor has gone crazy. I'm glad I let it out now. I will also like to say that Eddy received the same grade as I did since
he tried to cheat off my paper."
I didn't know if it was the end of the world or what because Double D failing a test seems physically impossible. Instead
of debating my existence and my future I decided to do what I always do when faced with a problem. I went back to the JBC
to listen to the other pathetic lives of the staff members. I finally got my story and I had to conquer the hideousness of
the likes of Marie. That's the news and that's all for me.
~Gerald
JBC Staff Writer
Ed's Sleep Walking Leads to Famine
This fine, lovely, Thursday morning with birds chirping and sun shining, wait, I'm getting off topic already. Anyways, when
I woke up, I noticed one thing in my kitchen: No food. Surprisingly, Ok, not really, fine, not at all, every house by Ed's
in the same twelve block radius was missing its food as well. Meanwhile, as I was walking back to work from my house when
I was writing this down for unknown reasons, mainly because I forgot to it the night before, I saw an ant. Wait, no, I heard
a familiar voice saying "Food! Cheap food! Get your cheep food here!" from the cul-de-sac. Forgetting about going
to work and eating some cardboard at lunch-break, I'm not even sure if I have that anymore, anyways, I just walked to where
the voice was. And what did I find: The Eds. Of course, I bought some food and took some notes about the famine that I got
from Eddward himself.
1. Ed ate all the food in his sleep in a twelve-block radius from his bed.
2. He stopped eventually, or at least for now.
3. Eddy is selling food for money:
Chunky Puffs $.50
Milk free with Chunky Puffs
Jawbreakers we aren't selling them!
Cheese $.25 a slice
Buttered Toast $1.00, more if Ed refuses.
Gravy well, Ed won't give his gravy up unless it's for $2.00
One thing I noticed is that residents may want to try to move more than twelve blocks away from Ed. Anyways, if you need
food, you can stop over at Ed's Mart (Most unfortunately from the stomach of Ed), with low prices for not good service. I'm
not just saying this because Eddy gave me a bribe either. We did get a few complaints from the kids with empty stomachs. Most
if not everyone was extremely mad at Ed but couldn't really retailiate due to problem of not eating a nutritious breakfast.
In order to protect yourself from another famine, please lock all doors/windows at night, also if you can't do that, keep
emergency rations in your basement in case of another famine. The citizens of Peach Creek matter to us (Not really)and some
other people in organizations doing social reports. The social reports aren't important at the moment,because I'm starving
and have to go buy some Chunky Puffs and get to work.
~Colton
JBC Staff Writer
Dr. Eric's Weekly Word
Note from the editor: Unfortunately we bring you another installment of Dr. Eric's Weekly Word. The interview starts off normal
but quickly goes terribly wrong just as it always does. What can you expect from two insane morons anyway?
John: Dr. Eric, I took a sleeping pill four hours ago and woke up. What should I do?
Eric: well I have this sack of bricks here. I suggest chewing on them
John: (ponders over the fact that your medical advice was to chew on a sack... of bricks)
Eric: it wasn't medical advice
John: ah
Eric: I suggest taking a couple more
John: sleepin pills?
John: but I just took two more I was gonna wait for them to kick in before I tried that
Eric: trust me
Eric: I'm a doctor
John: Oh yea!
John: I wonder if this counts as an interview...
Eric: that depends how far the quality of the JBC has slid
John: So that's a yes?
Eric: you'll have to ask justin
John: ah I'm assistant editor. He'll either like it or have to completely make up everything
Eric: are you planning an overthrow?
John: nah
John: my overthrowing arm hasn't been in top shape since 02
Eric: I see
Eric: well get on that I need Justin disposed of
Eric: So I can get out of here
John: Ah....
John: with your insane genius and my wacky ideas we could rule the world!
John: Or at least...
John: CUBA
Eric: cuba's nice
John: Isn't it?
John: too bad there's all that communism and oppression
John: but we could change it
John: to Casinos! Tourism! Farms! Money! and opression
John: ok so for the overthrow I have molitov cocktails which should easily be spoiled by the sprinkler system
John: stink bombs which with a fan and febreeze will clear out nicely
Eric: disable the security system
John: and when he leaves the building let's egg him
Eric: the password is headlesspenguins
Eric: I'm partial to using penguin eggs
Eric the mass to volume ratio is perfect
John: I see
John: what about molitov cocktail-eggs?
Eric: are you suggesting that we burn down the JBC?
Eric: guards
Eric: lock him up
Eric: he's mad
John: i've suggested nothing.
John: I merely asked a question
John: guards
John: seize him
John: he's obviously mentally ill
Eric: you'll never take me alive!
John: umm you're already in jail.
Eric: lies
John: umm yes
John: *loads tranquelizer gun*
Eric:please....I'm immune
Eric: I've been shot so many times with those things that I've built up an immunity
John: but this isn't a tranquelizer
John: Its a tranq gun but it's full of penecylin
Eric: so it'll protect me from diseases?
John: no it's gonna have violent side effects when it mixes in your system with all those other medications
Eric: I've never taken any medications...
John: not while awake
Eric: so that's why my water tasted funny
John: no, that's just the horrible prison conditions from funding cuts and embezzelments from the higher ups
~Interview Done by John
JBC Assistant Editor
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