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Weekly Edlines
The Mystery of the Man Eating Turtle
You've seen him as a helmet for dim witted Ed. You've even seen him as an obstacle that claims that he is a man eating turtle.
But who is this little turtle? Where did he come from? How does he end up as part of the Ed's schemes and scams? Little to
nothing was known about this turtle not even his name. After doing research in the JBC labs our team of scientists were still
clueless on the identity of our shelled friend. When asked why they couldn't find anything out they claimed that they needed
money for their research. Feeling financially pressured I quickly left the lab and decided to solve this mystery myself. With
little to no information on the turtle I began asking the kids of the Culde-sac to see if they knew anything. I approached
Double D about the subject since he had obviously noticed the turtle a few times. "You know I really didn't give it much
thought. I was only concerned about it's saftey when I saw it was strapped to Ed's head," stated Double D who at the
time was busy trying to free Ed from a mailbox he had got stuck in. Taking advantage of the situation I decided to ask Ed
what he knew about the turtle since he had worn it as a helmet and claimed to have once swallowed it. "What's a turtle?"
was the only information I could get out of him. How someone is that oblivious is beyond me. Anyway my investigation was going
no where. I thought long and hard about where the turtle could have come from and then it hit me. I made my way over to Rolf
and began asking him questions. I asked if he was the owner of the said turtle in question. "Rolf knows nothing of the
shelled animal you speak of. Now away with you for Rolf must finish boiling the stains out of papa's undershirts," said
Rolf, as he went back to work leaving me standing there confused and slightly disturbed. I had pretty much given up on my
search for answers about the mysterious turtle when I noticed a small object moving in the yard next to Rolf's. As I got closer
I could see a shell and knew right away it was the turtle! I walked past it and knelt down near it as it slowly walked past
me. It began walking towards Ed and Double D. I watched from behind a nearby bush and witnessed the turtle slowly climb up
to Ed's head which was still stuck in the mailbox with Double D still trying to free him. Neither one noticed the turtle standing
on top of Ed's head. The turtle just stood there still as a rock. It became apparent that the turtle for some reason is attracted
to Ed. For what reason I'm not sure of. It could be that the turtle is mistaking Ed as a log, rock, or is just oblivious to
where it is going which would explain why Ed was wearing the turtle as a helmet. Feeling that I had uncovered at least some
parts of the mysterious turtle I headed back to the mailbox where Ed was stuck and spent the rest of the day watching as Double
D tried to free him.
~Justin
JBC Staff Editor
News of the Culde-sac
Rolf's Chicken Drives Mapped Out
After the last Chicken Drive, I've decided in the safety of the cul-de-sac, and the JBC, the mapping of it is a necessary.
Only way I could possible do this is by going on one, which would not be pleasant, so I would have to talk to Rolf also I
figured, which none of this makes any sense, so I'm just going to interview Rolf.
"So, where exactly do these chicken drives of yours start?" I asked Rolf at his farm this morning.
"At Rolf's place, are you weak in the upper story? They wouldn't start after Rolf takes the chickens somewhere!"
Rolf said laughing.
"Yes, well, after that, where do they go?" I asked him
"Well, they go to the creek!" Rolf said still laughing.
"Isn't that west?" I asked
"Yes, are you blind too?" Rolf laughed more.
"No. After they go west to the creek, what way do they go?" I asked him, as I got more curious.
"They go north to the road of the candy store!" Rolf said to me still laughing again.
"What exactly is so funny?"
"Nothing, nothing at all," He said as he stopped laughing. "Except that you take the time to worry about
a once in five year event!" He said laughing again.
"Yes, yes, I know, after they go down that road then where?"
"The trailer park!" He said as he stopped laughing.
"Rolf knows not of a different route, as Rolf only found fence." Said Rolf, leaving me standing there confused
and staring at the mass amounts of chickens every where.
"Yes, yes, Rolf can do that," Rolf said walking off.
I followed him as he walked west to the creek, and as sure as I am myself I found chicken prints there. Also, at the candy
store's road there were marks of chickens, a few chicken feathers. And at the trailer park, there were both of the two. And
the creek, it had chicken prints also, when I remembered that this was the same creek, he just walked in a complete circle
when you cross the creek, you would be back in the cul-de-sac.
"You are aware that we walked in a complete circle, aren't you?" I asked him.
"Rolf knows not of that, Rolf thought that a circle was when you start and end in the same place, yes?"
Still confused I decided to check the map I had made since the drive started.I looked at the map and all I saw was lines
going from his house west to the creek, then from the creek to the road the candy store is on, to the trailer park, and then
across the creek and back into the cu-de-sac. And I also figure the next Chicken Drive is in four years, so in four years
I suggest not getting caught in a wave of poultry.
~Colton
JBC Staff Writer
Stampeding Animals Cause Catastrophe
Just this week, Rolf's animals have been stampeding all over the neighborhood. After Rolf, brought his animals calm, I came
over from the JBC to the Cul-de-Sac to find out what happend and to check out the damage. Every thing, was wrecked and dismantled.
The playgrounds were wrecked. The roads were all messed up. Jimmy had been sent to the hospital after a wave of chickens trampled
him as he was meditating in the grass. I was a sight for sore eyes and I came over to ask what the kids around the neighborhood
thought what made Rolf's animals to go awry. I first asked Eddy what his opinion was.
He said, "It's gotta be gas. Everybody has it."
After that, I asked Double-D what he thought was the problem, which was more helpful than asking Eddy.
"I have to say that seeing those animals run through the Cul-de-sac was shocking. But I think this was the cause
of something bad happenning in the future."
That was better information than I got from Eddy, but I didn't believe it. I then, asked Rolf what was his opinion
"I think it's the curse. The return of the cursed phone. Run away, peasant. Though your life maybe in danger. NANA!
The curse of the cursed phone!" I slowly opened the gate, and walked away as Rolf began gathering up his animals.
As I walked out of the Cul-de-sac, leaving without any leads to the story, I saw the Kankers destroying everything in
their path. Double-D's theory on the story was correct and precise about the animals sensing things that are to come in the
future. I slowly ran back to the Cul-de-sac after seeing the Kankers. For JBC news, I'm Gerald and I hope that's not all for
me and my life.
~Gerald
JBC Staff Writer
Dr. Eric's Weekly Word
Um...Here's Dr. Eric's Weekly Word. THE VIEWS EXPRESSED BY DR. ERIC ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF
THE JBC OR IT'S ASSOCIATES.
John : hey Doctor Eric
John : ready for that interview?
Dr. Eric : oh god
Dr. Eric : slacker
John : just taking a panel out of your pamphlet.
Dr. Eric : a page out of my book?
John : I thought you didn't have time to write the entire book
Dr. Eric : I have twelve books published
Dr. Eric : in Mexico
John : I see
Dr. Eric : under the pseudonym Miguel Antonio Bendez
John : Oh I've read those books
John : you kept spelling and an
John : very confusing
Dr. Eric : that was the editor's fault
John : Anyway, as usual I am highly unprepared
John : So, I just thought up a few questions
Dr. Eric : That's good
Dr. Eric : Seeing as this is an interview
John : Yea I know
John : I have a new medication now so my thought process is more direct,
although I cheek it.
John : anyway
John : Eric, I think some of our readers are wondering if you've made any
progress with your tunnel? (if you're not wondering that, then please, send
your hate mail)
Dr. Eric : The tunnel has been facing some delays
John : I see
Dr. Eric : Unfortunately the labor force I hired has gone on strike
John : How does an illegal labor force go about unionizing?
Dr. Eric : Hold on.
Dr. Eric : Did I say illegal?
Dr. Eric : Don't insinuate things.
John : Well I apologize.
Dr. Eric : Apology accepted.
John : Anyway I'm personally interested in the topic, how do you unionize an
illegal labor force?
Dr. Eric : I wouldn't know
Dr. Eric : I'd assume they'd unionize themselves
John : hmm
Dr. Eric : as a manager I wouldn't unionize them
John : Obviously, but wouldn't you collect union dues?
Dr. Eric : Doesn't offset the cost of dealing with them
John : True
Dr. Eric : its ok though
Dr. Eric : I've brought in some scabs to work instead
Dr. Eric : That'll show them.
John : Way to be the man sticking it to the masses!
John : Onto the next question
John : Have you been contacted by the JBC legal team yet, and if so, has it
been their charges against you or the cases they're defending you in?
Dr. Eric : I think I've been contacted by them, but it's hard to tell.
Dr. Eric : I kind of just trash all my mail, it's usually junk anyway.
John : Like what?
Dr. Eric : Jawbreaker enlargement pills.
Dr. Eric : those kinds of things
John : ah
Dr. Eric : mine are already big enough.
John: Yeah I guess they really do want to break your jaw.
John : How do you feel about Rolf's chicken drives?
Dr. Eric : Mmmm, fried chicken.
John : Of course.
John : What do you think is causing Rolf's animals to stampede?
Dr. Eric : Probably the sonic generator I implanted in the soil.
John : So you realise it's your fault for several destroyed fences and many
people who've been trampled under hooves?
Dr. Eric : Yes, and yet I don't care
John : So eric, do you fear the legal reprocussions that you could suffer
from the stampedes you've caused, or do you think that the statute of
limitations will run out before you can be tried on account of you having so
many charges against you already?
Dr. Eric : I'm confident that since I'm already in prison, nothing worse
could possibly happen
Dr. Eric : I'm serving 200 life sentences as it is
John : True, but you never know who's got people on the inside that'll sue
ya in the courtyard.
Dr. Eric : That's not acceptable conversation
John : But I ask the hard hitting questions
John : Like what's it like brewing your own soda in the toilet?
Dr. Eric : It's yummy
Dr. Eric : and nutritious
Dr. Eric : I encourage all the kids at home to do it
John : for legal reasons I'm going to have to make the following disclaimer.
John : THE JBC DOES NOT ENDORSE THE CHILDREN AT HOME TO BREW THEIR OWN SODA
IN THE TOILET. THE VIEWS EXPRESSED BY DR. ERIC ARE NOT NECESARILY THOSE OF
THE JBC OR IT'S ASSOCIATES.
Well this has certainly been a dark and disturbing look into the mind of Dr.
Eric Antonio Bendez. This has been John for Dr. Eric's weekly word.
Interview Conducted by John
JBC Assistant Editor
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